It has been an interesting day. It started off as bad as the last several days with me struggling to draw even one deep breath. Accompanying my wife and younger son as she dropped him off at school almost ended with me passed out in the car. Quite frankly, I found myself sinking again and while I wallowed in self-pity and struggled to breathe, I happened to log into my e-mail account and received an e-mail from Allison Wright, the wonderful nurse (of a group of great nurses) that took care of me at the Heart Hospital Baylor Plano after my biopsy complications. At just the right time, she sent me an e-mail talking about how her faith in God and life in general had been renewed with what she had seen and helped with in my fight against my cancer.
I read that letter and it reminded me that I need to practice what I have been preaching all these weeks, no matter what the difficulty is. Granted breathing is not quite an optional activity, but I am able to walk, talk, and otherwise do activities, so I have to buckle down and push through this phase. After losing 23 pounds, my wife was determined to reverse the trend, so after a morning coffee, we ate a healthy (healthy as in large) lunch and after returning home, instead of lying down to rest, I headed straight to the gym. After a 30 minute ride at super turtle speed, I hurled as only I can hurl, but continued to push through a workout of light weights. As I hoped would happen, I started to feel better. Extremely short of breath, but if I didn't pass out, I was going to continue to workout and for the first day in three weeks, I didn't nap the entire day.
More calls and texts from friends voicing their support gave me more energy and I was actually able to play a game of pickup basketball with my sons. It reminded me of the joy of being able to spend time with my family, no matter what my condition and to Allison, Marina, Patty, Peter, Tony, and everyone who checked in on me today, I give you my heartfelt love and thanks for motivating me to power through my difficulties. Faith is just one part of the equation of healing and recovery. Support from others plays an equally important role and the final piece of the equation is your own drive to keep fighting. I lost the latter these last 4 days. I have rediscovered that drive and I plan to keep powering through my ailments and stay positive even though my anger was heavily kindled with the rediscovery of my pathology slides.
I haven't quite been able to forgive and certainly haven't forgotten that egregious dereliction, but I can't allow it to occupy my thoughts and my time. To all that read this post, please remember to hug your loved ones and your friends and spend your time savoring those moments and anticipating the next. Like Allison wrote to me, I should live every day as if I will be gone tomorrow, and I had forgotten that mindset and was living like I was going to live forever. I will not and can not do that again.
I read that letter and it reminded me that I need to practice what I have been preaching all these weeks, no matter what the difficulty is. Granted breathing is not quite an optional activity, but I am able to walk, talk, and otherwise do activities, so I have to buckle down and push through this phase. After losing 23 pounds, my wife was determined to reverse the trend, so after a morning coffee, we ate a healthy (healthy as in large) lunch and after returning home, instead of lying down to rest, I headed straight to the gym. After a 30 minute ride at super turtle speed, I hurled as only I can hurl, but continued to push through a workout of light weights. As I hoped would happen, I started to feel better. Extremely short of breath, but if I didn't pass out, I was going to continue to workout and for the first day in three weeks, I didn't nap the entire day.
More calls and texts from friends voicing their support gave me more energy and I was actually able to play a game of pickup basketball with my sons. It reminded me of the joy of being able to spend time with my family, no matter what my condition and to Allison, Marina, Patty, Peter, Tony, and everyone who checked in on me today, I give you my heartfelt love and thanks for motivating me to power through my difficulties. Faith is just one part of the equation of healing and recovery. Support from others plays an equally important role and the final piece of the equation is your own drive to keep fighting. I lost the latter these last 4 days. I have rediscovered that drive and I plan to keep powering through my ailments and stay positive even though my anger was heavily kindled with the rediscovery of my pathology slides.
I haven't quite been able to forgive and certainly haven't forgotten that egregious dereliction, but I can't allow it to occupy my thoughts and my time. To all that read this post, please remember to hug your loved ones and your friends and spend your time savoring those moments and anticipating the next. Like Allison wrote to me, I should live every day as if I will be gone tomorrow, and I had forgotten that mindset and was living like I was going to live forever. I will not and can not do that again.
Funny story: I was at work yesterday at the awesome Heart Hospital of Baylor Plano, and I was talking with my dear friend, Allison, about you and she told me about your blog. She told me she was worried about you and was anxiously awaiting a new blog post. So, I looked up your blog on the internet and saw that you had a new post and it referred to Allison! She was so grateful and happy! And of course we had to laugh that you had me as "Dari Anne" LMAO...actually that's a pretty name too...maybe I'll change my name just for you...
ReplyDeleteDr Wu...I just want you to know that I think about you every day. I wanted to talk to you about so much more but the days I took care of you were too busy for both you and me. I love your blog (hate that you have to have one) but your writing is amazing. Your thoughts feel like they could be my thoughts if I were in the same situation. I'm turning 40 this year too, and I'm so conflicted lately; it's making me a crazy person. All of the sadness/frustration lately with your diagnosis, the tornados in Joplin and what people are going through there and other patients at THHBP (a previously healthy 41 year old I admitted who had a massive MI and now has a BIVAD and needs a heart transplant)--I have a strong faith in God, but all I can ask and feel is WHY? Is this all really part of our big life journey? What am I supposed to learn from this? How can I help? Your post about having pride in your work also really hit home for me...some days when I am feeling drained emotionally, it is really hard to be present for my patients fully, and they deserve more than that.
I'm not sure I'll ever go back to CRNA school...but I DO hope I can join you in the OR soon for some good times! I miss the OR and anesthesia!!!
Tari Anne (roth.tarianne @ att dot net)
I knew Dari wasn't right but just wasn't sure. 8o)
ReplyDeleteI read this blog now since your post on SDN and I look forward to your entries. My brother-in-law recently went through this process and unfortunately did not make it, but that does not mean that you will not. Your spirit is stronger than his was and I can tell you are a fighter. Please keep your head up and keep pushing through. Admist that, enjoy every moment with your family and do not take one second or breath for granted (as I'm sure you aren't...quite literally). I've seen people beat this before and I know you can be among those numbers. I'm rooting for you and I will continue to check in on your progress. I'm a lowly medical student now, but your reminders to look at the big picture and not take things for granted has helped me to keep my head on straight. Thanks for sharing your experiences and keep up the good work. I look forward to hearing about your recovery here soon...when that happens I'll have to travel up and take you and your family to a celebratory dinner -- on me. Something to look forward to ;-). Keep it up and hold on to that inner strength! And don't forget to let your family support you. I know it's hard, but it's what they want to do and not always having to be the "rock" will give your mind a welcome breather so it can work it's magic in other ways.
ReplyDeleteAlexandria, I look forward to having dinner with you in the far future. 8o) I will certainly let my family support me as they are the cornerstones of my life. I will not survive without their support so I give them all the leeway to do whatever they must to support me and participate in my fight.
ReplyDelete